Tag Archives: recovery

Back from the Edge

Day’s I agonized over the direction that my life was heading, those fleeting moment’s between the place I was, when reality took hold of my sense’s for that ever brief second and I could see what I had reduced my life to and the ugly it held all around me, both internally and physically. The stench of the back alley I walked or the filth I considered myself to now be, lost in this world of addiction.

A place just before, the rush of that drug  I just took in so I could erase all the guilt or shame I had felt, a place of safety I now lived in or so it seemed, because it was just easier then the work they say it is going to take, to recover from this life I was now living.

Agonizing over family that missed me, my children who wanted to know if I would ever come back home to love them once again. Painful memories I just wanted to forget, thoughts to horrible to face or deal with I believed, a crushing pain that haunts every moment. These had to be why I used, or started to at the beginning right, those self-defeating words that kept me down in the pit of hell and addiction.

Back from the edge… this was the only real choice to fix any of those things that tore my life apart for so long, years of pain stemming from childhood, days and years of bad choices must no longer hold me, if I was to recover. So I prayed for strength and asked my hp – GOD … to help me.

I left those pains there on that cliff and backed away from them, as I watched over the years from a safe distance to see what would happen, if I could really leave them behind me, that safety net of oblivion that surrounded me for as long as I could remember.

Those pains and mistakes, the guilt and shame of all the ugly I had caused, it began to fade like it just melted into the cliff, maybe it even just blew away in a harsh wind to never bother anyone again. I now had hope that I could conquer my addiction and be the person I was always meant to be, that mom, wife and daughter lost for so many years.

So there on that cliff I backed away slowly and as time elapsed I found a new me hiding not far away, waiting for me to embrace all that my God promised would be there for me, if I only believed it possible. Blind Faith in a power greater than me…

Grateful today to know that no matter why I may have started using, I’ll never forget why I stopped!!!!     Yes because my addiction was killing me, obviously…

More so I’m grateful because of the awesome feeling I have today from all I have achieved over these years, my life is not perfect but I have just what I need today, food, clothing, housing, and work, but more than that I have a new life, filled with happiness and joy of the woman I found out there on that cliff. One whom is proud of where I am and glad from where I came, because today I can share with others a message and let them know that there is HOPE!

Recovery is worth any struggle you may face as you rebuild your life, that last year of jail for me was essential to the place I am at today and I pray daily to never lose touch with just how important my past was to the recovery I have maintained, because daily we must pray for our sobriety, because just for today… Sobriety must be and is a lifestyle change, everything about what I left on that cliff I must never return to or desire.

Grateful today I can share a message of recovery, faith and hope, as I reach out to others, please know … it started by me reaching inward and letting go of that which was no longer serving me, in my recovery.

I quit because I was worth it and I hope to inspire others to realize they too are worth it…

You are worth it, but only you can save You, please have Faith in yourself and trust in God to help save you when all else seems hopeless and reach from him, I promise he is there waiting for you.

God grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I can not Change and the courage to change the things I can, and most importantly…

The WISDOM to now the difference !!!!!!!!!!!

Blessings today for each of you, Rose

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One Last Time !!!

Addiction is so sneaky and cruel, as we move towards recovery dreaming of all the good things we once again hope to enjoy, that internal struggle faintly calls to us.

We have managed to put a few days or weeks together and found a new job, a place to live that feels so good to our soul. This new place and status in life where we truly believe we are supposed to be, to make those around us once again proud of who we are for them. Those family members and friends that have spent years, talking to us and praying we would finally find our way to recovery and freedom from death in addiction and we have arrived.

We now go through our days going to work and home, taking on the duties of the world and responsibilities it calls for and put the past behind us. Rebuilding all we had done to ourselves and those we care about, life couldn’t be going better and we think to our self, “I’m so proud of me.”

Weeks have now turned into months or maybe years and we now engage more of life’s events, holiday events, weddings or dinner parties and we witness others who can have a drink or two with no more thought about it, when they wake the next day. Or you may witness someone sneak off and you feel that feeling grow in you, as flashbacks of such behavior rush in at you… then the thought hits.

Your addiction starts talking quietly to you trying to convince you, that just one more time is okay, that you are now weeks into your recovery and you can control the outcome now. This is not possible!!!

One Last Time … that relapse will drag you right back to that same horrible place where you were, the day you dragged yourself out in search of recovery, if not to a worse and much darker place. Because more often then not, you will not, be able to will yourself back to recovery after that relapse and all the wonderful thing’s you had accomplished are now gone in a blink of a eye over the days you have spent using, again.

     One Last Time … more often then not will lead to your Death.

Whether its emotionally or physically … It’s not worth the risk !!!

RECOVERY … is the only path we can walk to ensure complete and lasting change for a better life, you deserve this happiness so protect it, at all costs.

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Past, Present, Future

     The Future, is where we can dream of endless possibilities, a place that holds all our wishes, hopes and goals we now place on ourselves to maybe one day own our own home or buy that new car. That unknown abyss we strive to understand. We set plans in motion to aspire to and conquer all those things we have hoped for, so by staying clean and sober, we increase our chances of making it a reality.

     The elusive Tomorrow that none of us are promised, leaves us to wonder how do we control the outcome? By staying in recovery, we can make plans and expect them to turn out as we hoped and prayed for to some degree; again, we control the outcome, if we are staying out of addiction and actively working towards our goals. Maybe going back to school and giving you the courage to have the job you always wanted or dreamed of with retraining and working towards completing  your goal. 

     Because there is so much of the Past that is now part of this equation, that we face today, just coming into recovery as the darkness left behind by years of Bad choices and the stigma of the labels put upon us during those days. We now must let go and no longer carry the brokenness that we feel inside, that fear, shame  and self-loathing will no longer serve any purpose other than to drag you back into addiction. Acceptance that the past can’t be changed, we let go and turn it over to God, the higher power in your life that will guide you if you Trust.

      So by Faith, today rushes in with the rising of the morning sun, fresh and clean like the new soul you hope to be, listening to the sounds of the birds singing and life passing by outside as we put our plans in motion. Today we will embrace the new us, and enjoy the dreams we hold dear in our hearts of a life filled with laughter, success and joy. Today we take one more careful step in our plans for tomorrow to become the reality we pray for daily. A tomorrow we clearly see is worth the struggles today may bring of letting go of old people, places, and things that hurt us in the past.

     This will give you the greatest chance of having the world, you want to live in, where you can have peace in your heart every day, recovery is this place and as long as you are doing the next right thing in your life, everything will work out, in time.

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Crossroads…

Crossroads, is that place in time where you stand back and wonder to yourself, what is the right choice. It can be as simple as whether to salt that big basket full of french fries or not, knowing that you will swell up from it later. Or maybe you can’t decide if you will buy that gorgeous new dress that’s way to expensive because you will look fantastic in it at the dinner party your attending next weekend.

But most of us don’t realize the amount of crossroads or decisions we face everyday of our lives. How much a simple choice can impact our lives for minutes, days or years into the future. How choosing the right spouse or friend will change everything about how we live each day. A lover that for a time was so warm to hold on to now only makes you feel nothing.

Crossroads are a choice… Just as Addiction is a choice. Recovery is a choice…

How do we know if we are making the right choice, without choosing something. So we do and the we face the consequence of that choice. For most of  us addicts and alcoholics in active using the choice is apparent and then one day our bodies start to show the effects of this choice. Side effects of the choices we have made and the crossroad of what to do next… continue on because it’s just easier or try something new and hope to repair the damage caused by the choice’s of the past.

That new road to travel a unknown path, again that crossroad in life where only you or I can choose. Is that old lover who now belittles you a healthy part of your existence? Can you heal your failing liver by not drinking anymore? Can you rebuild your life if you just stop using those drugs that are polluting your entire body?

Crossroads are choices in life which hold consequences daily that we must answer to eventually. Recovery is a crossroad for many people and I hope today you can find it in you, to want to follow a new road.

Blessings, Rose

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Addiction

Addiction is the most horrific thing anyone can endure, it steals from us our family and friends, it’s grip is all consuming and there’s nothing it won’t make us do to satisfy it’s need, we will steal from or hurt anyone who tries to get in our way, and from getting to our drugs.

If we have found a way to let go of the chains that bound us and we are able to free ourselves from its grip, beware as it patiently await’s for us to have that moment of weakness or self-doubt to pull us back in. Addiction has no conscious or sense of time always ready with a warm embrace to trick you into believing that “just one time” won’t hurt anything, that we have it under control because you have been clean for awhile now. But this is the biggest Lie of all…

So hold strong in your recovery whether it has been a day or years or anywhere in between, because once we have been effected by its grip, we must always stand on guard to protect ourselves from its Deathly hold.

Be a warrior today and believe in yourself and your self-worth to enjoy the freedom of life in the recovery that you have fought so hard to achieve, without allowing the crippling hands of addiction to ever creep back in.

Rose 💗🌺😉

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Fears !!!

Fears; something we all deal with in many forms, these can be the fears as a child scared of the noises in the dark and shadows on the wall. They can be fears of being successful and not living up to the expectations of others or ourselves, based on the expectations of the list of things society says we should maintain.

Fears lie in those dark places of self esteem within, they also lie to us telling us we are not strong enough to overcome them as they slowly beat us down. Most of us, I believe live in this fear because we trust in this lie that we can’t overcome and we keep allowing the use of substances to give us the strength we are searching for to lose this irrational fear.

It does take time to work through these things and I’m not saying your weak or unable to fight back against it, I’m saying…

You can fight it back, the fear of being a new person in recovery I think is the biggest struggle we all face. I know it was for me, a torturous life I had lived, family dysfunction added to my lack of self-worth, years of addiction, criminal activity and a record that would leave the most seasoned criminal envious, I had to live down society and what they saw or said about me for many years. Leaving me to fear I would never overcome it.

But look at me now with all I have been blessed with, mainly my new life and recovery of 15 years. It took time, but I took each fear one at a time and today I can stand here and tell you that recovery works and the past will be forgotten by all, in time.

Best of everything today and blessings. Rose 💗🌺FB_IMG_1501122620962.jpg

Regrets, I’ve had a few!!!

Regrets are sometimes self-destructive and other time’s can be our biggest catalyst forward, as we invest our energy into this feeling it brings many other questions along with it like; “How did I ever let thing’s get so bad?”

Regrets for me are many as I remember day’s of the past and if only I had done this or that differently, I would never have been in that relationship or fallen in with that crowd, maybe my family would be okay if only…

Today I must acknowledge that I can not undo what has been and work with all I have in me to help reshape those thing’s I now have influence over. I can go forward with my head held high and know that I am not who I once was and yes some days it’s much harder than it seems. But it’s okay because the girl I was back there long ago, is no longer and the girl I am today is filled with self-love and forgiveness.

I could dwell in the stigma of my past, allow all those heckling voice’s to trap me there, keep me sick and live in feelings of worthlessness and disgust or I can accept that it was a place in time that no longer serves me or the person I am now.

Life is to short to live in regret of what can not ever change, no matter how much we wish we could, all those mistakes I made I can only use as a learning tool and not repeat it again. I can today Love myself, enjoy my future and try the best I possibly can to live the life of Serenity I deserve. Rose

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