In recovery this seems to be the most important action needed, to find our way from the life we were struggling in, dying in, and living in complete shame, guilt and loneliness. But the desire to change is most often won over by the lack of action to accomplish it. For me it was ten years of bad roads and hamster wheel running, getting no where fast.
Everyone wanting me to change, but I didn’t want it bad enough to put in the work to make it happen. Depression, anxiety and lack of self-esteem held me back. I used these too, as a crutch to stay stuck where I was, cause it just seemed easier now. But as time moved forward I was forced to change, or die. The side effects from the drugs I was using, were now causing serious problems. Seizures and blackouts, waking up in places miles from where my feeble brain could remember I had been, bruises and aches brought on by untold ways. My body aching for more and more and more, the obsessive need to use again knowing that I was already so close to death, never stopped me before. But I was finally ready… CHANGE!
It took multiple criminal charges and physical exhaustion to finally get me to see, that I just didn’t want to live this way any longer. So I was ready now for the big event. Change it was time.
But can I undo the me, that has existed for the better part of 30 yrs, I had started using at 12 and after almost 20 some years, I was tired and sick of living this way. So how do I change? Everything I had known was now not going to work, as they say, we must change people, places, and things. So after completing that last drug treatment program inside of jail, fulfilling the consequences of more bad choices, I was now free. Free to either change or relapse, which I already knew where that would take me, right back to jail eventually if the grave digger didn’t get me first.
So I listened to the advice that had been given me all those times before, and I started to find ways to stay busy, reshape my thinking, grow, and learn new things. I went back to school after some time spent healing my mind and body. Those days before school I stayed busy, going to meetings and finding a sponsor to work the steps with, rebuilding my relationships slowly. Starting with myself. It wasn’t easy but in reality neither was all I went through to chase down the drugs and money needed to support my addiction.
Time heals all wounds, it usually leaves a scar, but only to remind us of the past and the places and thing’s we no longer want to live. So be good to you and trust in yourself and find your higher power, my Bible gets opened everyday maybe for a long prayerful session or just to let God know I’m still grateful for his grace in my Life.
Change is the only way and yes it is uncomfortable on days, it is the only way to have recovery. Best of luck to you and your new life. Rose
T. Rose Recovery/Addiction Support 