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Addiction

Addiction is the most horrific thing anyone can endure, it steals from us our family and friends, it’s grip is all consuming and there’s nothing it won’t make us do to satisfy it’s need, we will steal from or hurt anyone who tries to get in our way, and from getting to our drugs.

If we have found a way to let go of the chains that bound us and we are able to free ourselves from its grip, beware as it patiently await’s for us to have that moment of weakness or self-doubt to pull us back in. Addiction has no conscious or sense of time always ready with a warm embrace to trick you into believing that “just one time” won’t hurt anything, that we have it under control because you have been clean for awhile now. But this is the biggest Lie of all…

So hold strong in your recovery whether it has been a day or years or anywhere in between, because once we have been effected by its grip, we must always stand on guard to protect ourselves from its Deathly hold.

Be a warrior today and believe in yourself and your self-worth to enjoy the freedom of life in the recovery that you have fought so hard to achieve, without allowing the crippling hands of addiction to ever creep back in.

Rose 💗🌺😉

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Fears !!!

Fears; something we all deal with in many forms, these can be the fears as a child scared of the noises in the dark and shadows on the wall. They can be fears of being successful and not living up to the expectations of others or ourselves, based on the expectations of the list of things society says we should maintain.

Fears lie in those dark places of self esteem within, they also lie to us telling us we are not strong enough to overcome them as they slowly beat us down. Most of us, I believe live in this fear because we trust in this lie that we can’t overcome and we keep allowing the use of substances to give us the strength we are searching for to lose this irrational fear.

It does take time to work through these things and I’m not saying your weak or unable to fight back against it, I’m saying…

You can fight it back, the fear of being a new person in recovery I think is the biggest struggle we all face. I know it was for me, a torturous life I had lived, family dysfunction added to my lack of self-worth, years of addiction, criminal activity and a record that would leave the most seasoned criminal envious, I had to live down society and what they saw or said about me for many years. Leaving me to fear I would never overcome it.

But look at me now with all I have been blessed with, mainly my new life and recovery of 15 years. It took time, but I took each fear one at a time and today I can stand here and tell you that recovery works and the past will be forgotten by all, in time.

Best of everything today and blessings. Rose 💗🌺FB_IMG_1501122620962.jpg

Regrets, I’ve had a few!!!

Regrets are sometimes self-destructive and other time’s can be our biggest catalyst forward, as we invest our energy into this feeling it brings many other questions along with it like; “How did I ever let thing’s get so bad?”

Regrets for me are many as I remember day’s of the past and if only I had done this or that differently, I would never have been in that relationship or fallen in with that crowd, maybe my family would be okay if only…

Today I must acknowledge that I can not undo what has been and work with all I have in me to help reshape those thing’s I now have influence over. I can go forward with my head held high and know that I am not who I once was and yes some days it’s much harder than it seems. But it’s okay because the girl I was back there long ago, is no longer and the girl I am today is filled with self-love and forgiveness.

I could dwell in the stigma of my past, allow all those heckling voice’s to trap me there, keep me sick and live in feelings of worthlessness and disgust or I can accept that it was a place in time that no longer serves me or the person I am now.

Life is to short to live in regret of what can not ever change, no matter how much we wish we could, all those mistakes I made I can only use as a learning tool and not repeat it again. I can today Love myself, enjoy my future and try the best I possibly can to live the life of Serenity I deserve. Rose

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The Past

In early recovery we all have different thing’s that seem to trigger fear of succeeding to the finish line, whether it’s communication with others from years of isolation due to being shy, ashamed or lacking in social skills. Maybe it’s feelings of helplessness or hopelessness, because you have failed before and just don’t seem to have the strength to try again. Emotions of all sorts; self-doubt, denial, loneliness, fear, guilt, isolation, insomnia as those old tapes play over and over again in your mind. Years spent suppressing these things leading to more guilt and shame as they come to the surface.

Depression and suicidal thoughts creep into our minds, the physical pains of withdrawal also keeps some from fighting for their recovery. Acceptance of ones self and learning to live in our own skin, now that we are clean and sober. Becoming aggravated at the time it will take to put our lives back in order also cause many of us to give up. The cravings from either the physical or physiological  need to use. The extreme anxiety and acceptance of what are lives have become and how to fix it, is daunting. Then of course those of us, like myself that relapse over and over again, believing that the next time won’t be as bad as the last time. Only to finally realize that the elusive HIGH, we have been chasing from the very first time we used, can never ever again be achieved.

And it’s here that we finally give in to acceptance of change or the defeat of using. Because after many years of abusive using I had but one choice, as do most long term addicts and alcoholics… It’s either going to be Recovery or Death, that wins in the end.

So find that one special reason for recovering just for yourself and focus on it, you must do this for you and then and only then, can you truly win your battle of addiction and STOP.

Blessing, Rose

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More, More, More

     More More More. This is what my addiction always demanded, I gave with everything I had in me daily to feed it. There was nothing as depraved as to the lengths I would go to fuel the beast inside me. Our addictions no matter what they may be can never be satisfied, at least for me this was the case. With each recovery try I was met with the thought of the allusive… “Just one last time,” hoping for that 1st time high, would be repeated, it was that same thing I chased with More, more, more.

      So today in recovery I must put that same effort into my daily discipline of change. I started out with much quiet reflection on my life, sorting thru all those ugly feelings, trying to stay busy as I did and not lose my mind or the very early sobriety I had, I did meditation and puzzles to keep busy. I read from my big book, went to meetings and prayed, promising God that I would never fail him again.

     I went back to school eventually and added to my already unused degree’s that I possessed. I sought out every way possible to rebuild my life, family and career. There was plenty of help out there, but these people don’t just give it away and there were many hoops I had to jump thru along the way to secure the life I know today.

Change is painful and it doesn’t stop at the place we decide to get clean and sober, there is much wreckage in our lives that must be repaired. There will be new pains that arise as life goes forward, relapse may happen, get over it and get back on your path to recovery. Relationships may fail, well let time heal your heart and find another to love. Change is hard for all of us, even the most grounded person who seems to have no difficulty’s in life, because chances are they do. Change is something we all fight against, but it is for our own good that we must find our way through it. Change will bring to you to new and happier level of freedom in your life, but first we must be willing to walk thru the unknown future and allow change, to change us.

Be blessed today my friends and walk in strength of the Lord (higher power). Rose

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Change, how do we get there?

In recovery this seems to be the most important action needed, to find our way from the life we were struggling in, dying in, and living in complete shame, guilt and loneliness. But the desire to change is most often won over by the lack of action to accomplish it. For me it was ten years of bad roads and hamster wheel running, getting no where fast.

Everyone wanting me to change, but I didn’t want it bad enough to put in the work to make it happen. Depression, anxiety and lack of self-esteem held me back. I used these too, as a crutch to stay stuck where I was, cause it just seemed easier now. But as time moved forward I was forced to change, or die. The side effects from the drugs I was using, were now causing serious problems. Seizures and blackouts, waking up in places miles from where my feeble brain could remember I had been, bruises and aches brought on by untold ways. My body aching for more and more and more, the obsessive need to use again knowing that I was already so close to death, never stopped me before. But I was finally ready… CHANGE!

It took multiple criminal charges and physical exhaustion to finally get me to see, that I just didn’t want to live this way any longer. So I was ready now for the big event. Change it was time.

 But can I undo the me, that has existed for the better part of 30 yrs, I had started using at 12 and after almost 20 some years, I was tired and sick of living this way. So how do I change? Everything I had known was now not going to work, as they say, we must change people, places, and things. So after completing that last drug treatment program inside of jail, fulfilling the consequences of more bad choices, I was now free. Free to either change or relapse, which I already knew where that would take me, right back to jail eventually if the grave digger didn’t get me first.

So I listened to the advice that had been given me all those times before, and I started to find ways to stay busy, reshape my thinking, grow, and learn new things. I went back to school after some time spent healing my mind and body. Those days before school I stayed busy, going to meetings and finding a sponsor to work the steps with, rebuilding my relationships slowly. Starting with myself. It wasn’t easy but in reality neither was all I went through to chase down the drugs and money needed to support my addiction.

Time heals all wounds, it usually leaves a scar, but only to remind us of the past and the places and thing’s we no longer want to live. So be good to you and trust in yourself and find your higher power, my Bible gets opened everyday maybe for a long prayerful session or just to let God know I’m still grateful for his grace in my Life.

Change is the only way and yes it is uncomfortable on days, it is the only way to have recovery. Best of luck to you and your new life. RoseFB_IMG_1502276763292