Category Archives: firstfridays

Past, Present, Future

     The Future, is where we can dream of endless possibilities, a place that holds all our wishes, hopes and goals we now place on ourselves to maybe one day own our own home or buy that new car. That unknown abyss we strive to understand. We set plans in motion to aspire to and conquer all those things we have hoped for, so by staying clean and sober, we increase our chances of making it a reality.

     The elusive Tomorrow that none of us are promised, leaves us to wonder how do we control the outcome? By staying in recovery, we can make plans and expect them to turn out as we hoped and prayed for to some degree; again, we control the outcome, if we are staying out of addiction and actively working towards our goals. Maybe going back to school and giving you the courage to have the job you always wanted or dreamed of with retraining and working towards completing  your goal. 

     Because there is so much of the Past that is now part of this equation, that we face today, just coming into recovery as the darkness left behind by years of Bad choices and the stigma of the labels put upon us during those days. We now must let go and no longer carry the brokenness that we feel inside, that fear, shame  and self-loathing will no longer serve any purpose other than to drag you back into addiction. Acceptance that the past can’t be changed, we let go and turn it over to God, the higher power in your life that will guide you if you Trust.

      So by Faith, today rushes in with the rising of the morning sun, fresh and clean like the new soul you hope to be, listening to the sounds of the birds singing and life passing by outside as we put our plans in motion. Today we will embrace the new us, and enjoy the dreams we hold dear in our hearts of a life filled with laughter, success and joy. Today we take one more careful step in our plans for tomorrow to become the reality we pray for daily. A tomorrow we clearly see is worth the struggles today may bring of letting go of old people, places, and things that hurt us in the past.

     This will give you the greatest chance of having the world, you want to live in, where you can have peace in your heart every day, recovery is this place and as long as you are doing the next right thing in your life, everything will work out, in time.

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Crossroads…

Crossroads, is that place in time where you stand back and wonder to yourself, what is the right choice. It can be as simple as whether to salt that big basket full of french fries or not, knowing that you will swell up from it later. Or maybe you can’t decide if you will buy that gorgeous new dress that’s way to expensive because you will look fantastic in it at the dinner party your attending next weekend.

But most of us don’t realize the amount of crossroads or decisions we face everyday of our lives. How much a simple choice can impact our lives for minutes, days or years into the future. How choosing the right spouse or friend will change everything about how we live each day. A lover that for a time was so warm to hold on to now only makes you feel nothing.

Crossroads are a choice… Just as Addiction is a choice. Recovery is a choice…

How do we know if we are making the right choice, without choosing something. So we do and the we face the consequence of that choice. For most of  us addicts and alcoholics in active using the choice is apparent and then one day our bodies start to show the effects of this choice. Side effects of the choices we have made and the crossroad of what to do next… continue on because it’s just easier or try something new and hope to repair the damage caused by the choice’s of the past.

That new road to travel a unknown path, again that crossroad in life where only you or I can choose. Is that old lover who now belittles you a healthy part of your existence? Can you heal your failing liver by not drinking anymore? Can you rebuild your life if you just stop using those drugs that are polluting your entire body?

Crossroads are choices in life which hold consequences daily that we must answer to eventually. Recovery is a crossroad for many people and I hope today you can find it in you, to want to follow a new road.

Blessings, Rose

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Addiction

Addiction is the most horrific thing anyone can endure, it steals from us our family and friends, it’s grip is all consuming and there’s nothing it won’t make us do to satisfy it’s need, we will steal from or hurt anyone who tries to get in our way, and from getting to our drugs.

If we have found a way to let go of the chains that bound us and we are able to free ourselves from its grip, beware as it patiently await’s for us to have that moment of weakness or self-doubt to pull us back in. Addiction has no conscious or sense of time always ready with a warm embrace to trick you into believing that “just one time” won’t hurt anything, that we have it under control because you have been clean for awhile now. But this is the biggest Lie of all…

So hold strong in your recovery whether it has been a day or years or anywhere in between, because once we have been effected by its grip, we must always stand on guard to protect ourselves from its Deathly hold.

Be a warrior today and believe in yourself and your self-worth to enjoy the freedom of life in the recovery that you have fought so hard to achieve, without allowing the crippling hands of addiction to ever creep back in.

Rose 💗🌺😉

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Fears !!!

Fears; something we all deal with in many forms, these can be the fears as a child scared of the noises in the dark and shadows on the wall. They can be fears of being successful and not living up to the expectations of others or ourselves, based on the expectations of the list of things society says we should maintain.

Fears lie in those dark places of self esteem within, they also lie to us telling us we are not strong enough to overcome them as they slowly beat us down. Most of us, I believe live in this fear because we trust in this lie that we can’t overcome and we keep allowing the use of substances to give us the strength we are searching for to lose this irrational fear.

It does take time to work through these things and I’m not saying your weak or unable to fight back against it, I’m saying…

You can fight it back, the fear of being a new person in recovery I think is the biggest struggle we all face. I know it was for me, a torturous life I had lived, family dysfunction added to my lack of self-worth, years of addiction, criminal activity and a record that would leave the most seasoned criminal envious, I had to live down society and what they saw or said about me for many years. Leaving me to fear I would never overcome it.

But look at me now with all I have been blessed with, mainly my new life and recovery of 15 years. It took time, but I took each fear one at a time and today I can stand here and tell you that recovery works and the past will be forgotten by all, in time.

Best of everything today and blessings. Rose 💗🌺FB_IMG_1501122620962.jpg

Regrets, I’ve had a few!!!

Regrets are sometimes self-destructive and other time’s can be our biggest catalyst forward, as we invest our energy into this feeling it brings many other questions along with it like; “How did I ever let thing’s get so bad?”

Regrets for me are many as I remember day’s of the past and if only I had done this or that differently, I would never have been in that relationship or fallen in with that crowd, maybe my family would be okay if only…

Today I must acknowledge that I can not undo what has been and work with all I have in me to help reshape those thing’s I now have influence over. I can go forward with my head held high and know that I am not who I once was and yes some days it’s much harder than it seems. But it’s okay because the girl I was back there long ago, is no longer and the girl I am today is filled with self-love and forgiveness.

I could dwell in the stigma of my past, allow all those heckling voice’s to trap me there, keep me sick and live in feelings of worthlessness and disgust or I can accept that it was a place in time that no longer serves me or the person I am now.

Life is to short to live in regret of what can not ever change, no matter how much we wish we could, all those mistakes I made I can only use as a learning tool and not repeat it again. I can today Love myself, enjoy my future and try the best I possibly can to live the life of Serenity I deserve. Rose

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The Past

In early recovery we all have different thing’s that seem to trigger fear of succeeding to the finish line, whether it’s communication with others from years of isolation due to being shy, ashamed or lacking in social skills. Maybe it’s feelings of helplessness or hopelessness, because you have failed before and just don’t seem to have the strength to try again. Emotions of all sorts; self-doubt, denial, loneliness, fear, guilt, isolation, insomnia as those old tapes play over and over again in your mind. Years spent suppressing these things leading to more guilt and shame as they come to the surface.

Depression and suicidal thoughts creep into our minds, the physical pains of withdrawal also keeps some from fighting for their recovery. Acceptance of ones self and learning to live in our own skin, now that we are clean and sober. Becoming aggravated at the time it will take to put our lives back in order also cause many of us to give up. The cravings from either the physical or physiological  need to use. The extreme anxiety and acceptance of what are lives have become and how to fix it, is daunting. Then of course those of us, like myself that relapse over and over again, believing that the next time won’t be as bad as the last time. Only to finally realize that the elusive HIGH, we have been chasing from the very first time we used, can never ever again be achieved.

And it’s here that we finally give in to acceptance of change or the defeat of using. Because after many years of abusive using I had but one choice, as do most long term addicts and alcoholics… It’s either going to be Recovery or Death, that wins in the end.

So find that one special reason for recovering just for yourself and focus on it, you must do this for you and then and only then, can you truly win your battle of addiction and STOP.

Blessing, Rose

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More, More, More

     More More More. This is what my addiction always demanded, I gave with everything I had in me daily to feed it. There was nothing as depraved as to the lengths I would go to fuel the beast inside me. Our addictions no matter what they may be can never be satisfied, at least for me this was the case. With each recovery try I was met with the thought of the allusive… “Just one last time,” hoping for that 1st time high, would be repeated, it was that same thing I chased with More, more, more.

      So today in recovery I must put that same effort into my daily discipline of change. I started out with much quiet reflection on my life, sorting thru all those ugly feelings, trying to stay busy as I did and not lose my mind or the very early sobriety I had, I did meditation and puzzles to keep busy. I read from my big book, went to meetings and prayed, promising God that I would never fail him again.

     I went back to school eventually and added to my already unused degree’s that I possessed. I sought out every way possible to rebuild my life, family and career. There was plenty of help out there, but these people don’t just give it away and there were many hoops I had to jump thru along the way to secure the life I know today.

Change is painful and it doesn’t stop at the place we decide to get clean and sober, there is much wreckage in our lives that must be repaired. There will be new pains that arise as life goes forward, relapse may happen, get over it and get back on your path to recovery. Relationships may fail, well let time heal your heart and find another to love. Change is hard for all of us, even the most grounded person who seems to have no difficulty’s in life, because chances are they do. Change is something we all fight against, but it is for our own good that we must find our way through it. Change will bring to you to new and happier level of freedom in your life, but first we must be willing to walk thru the unknown future and allow change, to change us.

Be blessed today my friends and walk in strength of the Lord (higher power). Rose

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