The Past

In early recovery we all have different thing’s that seem to trigger fear of succeeding to the finish line, whether it’s communication with others from years of isolation due to being shy, ashamed or lacking in social skills. Maybe it’s feelings of helplessness or hopelessness, because you have failed before and just don’t seem to have the strength to try again. Emotions of all sorts; self-doubt, denial, loneliness, fear, guilt, isolation, insomnia as those old tapes play over and over again in your mind. Years spent suppressing these things leading to more guilt and shame as they come to the surface.

Depression and suicidal thoughts creep into our minds, the physical pains of withdrawal also keeps some from fighting for their recovery. Acceptance of ones self and learning to live in our own skin, now that we are clean and sober. Becoming aggravated at the time it will take to put our lives back in order also cause many of us to give up. The cravings from either the physical or physiological  need to use. The extreme anxiety and acceptance of what are lives have become and how to fix it, is daunting. Then of course those of us, like myself that relapse over and over again, believing that the next time won’t be as bad as the last time. Only to finally realize that the elusive HIGH, we have been chasing from the very first time we used, can never ever again be achieved.

And it’s here that we finally give in to acceptance of change or the defeat of using. Because after many years of abusive using I had but one choice, as do most long term addicts and alcoholics… It’s either going to be Recovery or Death, that wins in the end.

So find that one special reason for recovering just for yourself and focus on it, you must do this for you and then and only then, can you truly win your battle of addiction and STOP.

Blessing, Rose

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More, More, More

     More More More. This is what my addiction always demanded, I gave with everything I had in me daily to feed it. There was nothing as depraved as to the lengths I would go to fuel the beast inside me. Our addictions no matter what they may be can never be satisfied, at least for me this was the case. With each recovery try I was met with the thought of the allusive… “Just one last time,” hoping for that 1st time high, would be repeated, it was that same thing I chased with More, more, more.

      So today in recovery I must put that same effort into my daily discipline of change. I started out with much quiet reflection on my life, sorting thru all those ugly feelings, trying to stay busy as I did and not lose my mind or the very early sobriety I had, I did meditation and puzzles to keep busy. I read from my big book, went to meetings and prayed, promising God that I would never fail him again.

     I went back to school eventually and added to my already unused degree’s that I possessed. I sought out every way possible to rebuild my life, family and career. There was plenty of help out there, but these people don’t just give it away and there were many hoops I had to jump thru along the way to secure the life I know today.

Change is painful and it doesn’t stop at the place we decide to get clean and sober, there is much wreckage in our lives that must be repaired. There will be new pains that arise as life goes forward, relapse may happen, get over it and get back on your path to recovery. Relationships may fail, well let time heal your heart and find another to love. Change is hard for all of us, even the most grounded person who seems to have no difficulty’s in life, because chances are they do. Change is something we all fight against, but it is for our own good that we must find our way through it. Change will bring to you to new and happier level of freedom in your life, but first we must be willing to walk thru the unknown future and allow change, to change us.

Be blessed today my friends and walk in strength of the Lord (higher power). Rose

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Change, how do we get there?

In recovery this seems to be the most important action needed, to find our way from the life we were struggling in, dying in, and living in complete shame, guilt and loneliness. But the desire to change is most often won over by the lack of action to accomplish it. For me it was ten years of bad roads and hamster wheel running, getting no where fast.

Everyone wanting me to change, but I didn’t want it bad enough to put in the work to make it happen. Depression, anxiety and lack of self-esteem held me back. I used these too, as a crutch to stay stuck where I was, cause it just seemed easier now. But as time moved forward I was forced to change, or die. The side effects from the drugs I was using, were now causing serious problems. Seizures and blackouts, waking up in places miles from where my feeble brain could remember I had been, bruises and aches brought on by untold ways. My body aching for more and more and more, the obsessive need to use again knowing that I was already so close to death, never stopped me before. But I was finally ready… CHANGE!

It took multiple criminal charges and physical exhaustion to finally get me to see, that I just didn’t want to live this way any longer. So I was ready now for the big event. Change it was time.

 But can I undo the me, that has existed for the better part of 30 yrs, I had started using at 12 and after almost 20 some years, I was tired and sick of living this way. So how do I change? Everything I had known was now not going to work, as they say, we must change people, places, and things. So after completing that last drug treatment program inside of jail, fulfilling the consequences of more bad choices, I was now free. Free to either change or relapse, which I already knew where that would take me, right back to jail eventually if the grave digger didn’t get me first.

So I listened to the advice that had been given me all those times before, and I started to find ways to stay busy, reshape my thinking, grow, and learn new things. I went back to school after some time spent healing my mind and body. Those days before school I stayed busy, going to meetings and finding a sponsor to work the steps with, rebuilding my relationships slowly. Starting with myself. It wasn’t easy but in reality neither was all I went through to chase down the drugs and money needed to support my addiction.

Time heals all wounds, it usually leaves a scar, but only to remind us of the past and the places and thing’s we no longer want to live. So be good to you and trust in yourself and find your higher power, my Bible gets opened everyday maybe for a long prayerful session or just to let God know I’m still grateful for his grace in my Life.

Change is the only way and yes it is uncomfortable on days, it is the only way to have recovery. Best of luck to you and your new life. RoseFB_IMG_1502276763292

Sunday’s Prayers

20170812_182743.jpg        Dear Lord,Thank you for another glorious day.

As I watch the sun come up this morning I can only be grateful for another day. As I look forward to your instructions and guidance I go in Faith that my steps are where you place them. I ask Lord that you watch over all those I love, family, friends, acquaintances, those struggling with addictions of all sorts Lord. Give them strength today that they may know your grace and choose to follow your words and trust in the new path laid before them. May they know your Love as I do Lord, as it shine’s from me to them, help them to be receptive and trust in what is before them.

Lord in your glorious son Jesus Christ’s name, Amen.

To those who are still searching for this enlightenment, Pray to any Higher Power you can take strength from and trust in your new life and where it is going. Never look back to the old ways, as there is nothing left there for you.

Be Blessed in this day.

Love to all and Peace, Rose

Why the struggle?

My recovery has been filled with much struggle though as I overcame each one of those things I grew from it. By choosing my higher power, Jesus Christ, I found strength and courage to keep going forward in faith.

Many people seeking recovery find that it’s still filled with judgement and ridicule. NA or AA attendees struggle with the correct verbiage for their program instead of embracing the idea of recovery. I find this sad, as the newcomers looking for someone to help guide them are now rejected and this person may never seek help again.

The changes that are needed must be nurtured and encouragement given to grow. Though it is up to us individually if we truly want recovery for ourselves. And no-one but us can make it work. Let’s not alienate the newcomer before you even know what is happening in their lives.

Peace and Blessings to you all. ❤🌹Rose FB_IMG_1504581967885

What’s Next!

Every day as I talk with other’s just starting out their journey in recovery, I hear; I’m bored or depressed. How do I go on now? I’m not sure how to act with out my drugs or alcohol, it took up so much of my life. Essentially you have now lost your best friend and for me that was so true. Lack of self-esteem surrounded me my whole life and it fueled my desire to use. At a young age I began my journey with alcohol and weed, easy to get a hold of at 12 years old and suffering already from incredible pain by my  alcoholic father.

So how do we fill in those long hours we once spent high or drunk, void of any feeling? Now as life rushes back in on us, those feelings now must be dealt with and we understand why we repressed them all those years. Pain of childhood torment or unyielding loneliness from a parent who barely paid any attention to us, other then screaming for this or that to be done. Parents who as this child grew, used with them, setting even more confusion in the mind of this young adult trying to understand the world.

So now in early recovery we stand wondering what to do with all this pain, guilt, shame, remorse, life turned upside down by years of self-loathing and destruction. How do we fill in those long hours we spent high? My best suggestion I can give besides the obvious of going to meetings, working the steps with a sponsor of the same sex as you. Treat yourself and learn something new, put that money once spent using on something good for your life. Go back to school and retrain yourself in something to move your life in a new direction. Take up fishing or yoga, find a craft or any thing that interests you and stay busy. Sitting and letting your addiction talk you into relapse is what you want to avoid now. Recovery is about new growth in your life. So go out there and search out a better way for you to enjoy Life. Best wishes, Rose

Why I’m Here

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Why am I here… Seems like a lifetime ago I wrote this 1st blog. .. Looking to help others see how they can change if they choose to apply the work. Now I have published my 1st book back in March and my 2nd book is due out by January 2019.

My fb page is growing daily as a inspirational source for those struggling or just looking to continue forward with their personal quest for recovery.

Rose’s Recovery Thoughts  🌹❣

 

Today 15 years later I have a new life. Recovery does work, but you must want it more then anything else in your world. After a 25 year addiction I was truly ready, and after 15 years of sobriety my Life couldn’t be better. I hope that thru this blog site, that I just might help inspire someone else to turn their life around. To be able to enjoy the simple things in life, we so carelessly took for granted during our self-destructive behavior. Have a awesome and Blessed day. Rose

spirituality, life's journey, abuse, addictions, mental health, alcoholism